The
Utah Jazz are “Jazzholes”
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How to Join
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It's easy to join. The only requirement is that
you must hate the Utah Jazz, or at least Karl Malone. It's all right
to like
Andrei
Kirilenko. He hasn't been corrupted ... yet.
To show your hatred, you can proudly display the button below on your
web site. Just download the image (Windows: right click, Mac: control
click), put it on your page, link it back to this page, and upload
to your site. (It would help if you then submit your site to the
various search engines, such as Google and Yahoo.)
Membership dues are $5, but like the referees calling a flagrant
foul when Malone cheap shots someone into the hospital, they are completely
optional.
If you would like to make a donation, use PayPal. If you're a member
of PaypPal, use the icon below. If you'd like to join, click the "Join
Paypal" link and your dues will be paid with the referral fee.
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I hate the Utah Jazz. Do you? Now you can join with millions like you to proclaim
your hatred of the Utah Jazz! Join
the "I Hate the Utah Jazz" Un-Fan Club today! Learn new nicknames for the Jazz! Discuss the top ten reasons to hate the Jazz! Read testimonials from other Jazz haters! And more!
The Utah Jazz are to basketball what Utah is to jazz.
What Utah is to soccer. What Utah is to beer. What Utah is to freedom of religion.
What Utah is to just about everything but tabernacles and salty water.
But it's not necessary to hate Utah to hate the Utah Jazz! Just listen to
this Utah resident who hates the Jazz:
"My hatred of the Jazz continues
with a fervor that is almost religious. I am a Mormon, I have family in Utah,
and I still hate the Jazz! Don't lump all Mormons [in] with the brand
of dirty ball that Sloan has been espousing for his entire career. There
are some there who know them
for what they truly are!"
Amen brother! Membership in the "I Hate the Utah Jazz" Un-Fan Club
is worldwide. We only descriminate on the basis of stupidity, i.e. liking the
Jazzholes
or Karla Malone.
Nicknames to Use for the Jazz
Utah Jazz: the Jazzholes, the Spazz, the Jizz
Karl Malone: Karla, Going Postal, Failman, The Bastard, Elbows
John Stockton: Choir
Boy, John Flopton, Chicken Stock, Cheap Shockton
Jeff Hornacek: Horny Chick
Top Ten Reasons to Hate the Utah Jazz
- Karl Malone is a menace. He's been
sending people to the hospital since college days (see the Dave
Ramer incident),
but for some reason the NBA loves him. He kicks
opposing players so often that journalists like Peter
May now refers to Malone's "kick jumpers." He knocked
David Robinson unconscious during a game and wasn't even called
for a foul! He broke Donyell Marshall's rib with an "inadvertant" knee,
and
bloodied Joe Kleine's
face so badly he required plastic surgery! Well, Shaq
brings the rap fans, Yao Ming brings the Chinese fans, and Karl Malone
brings
the
wrestling
fans who want to see blood. [Note: since Karl Malone is now a Laker, you
can choose to hate the Lakers instead of the Jazz or in addition
to the Jazz.]
- They flop like trout out of water. Although never awarded any acting awards,
the Jazz, led by Stockton and Malone, are the league's best actors. Their
defensive scheme is to fall
down and have the refs call charging. They
have invented a whole new field of physics in which momentum is not conserved —
one
need only see the 265 pound Malone fly through the air after incidental contact
from a 165 pound point guard to see this new form of physics in action.
In its list of the worst floppers in basketball history, Foulshots.com gave
special mention to the entire Jazz team: "The entire Jazz team has been flopping
for so long that it almost seems like they work on it in practice." Hopefully,
Jerry Sloan won't hurt himself falling down when John Stockston walks in
to practice in the morning.
- Elbows, illegal picks, dirty play -- Jerry Sloan, known for being a fighter
in his youth, has taught them to be the dirtiest players ever. That's not
just us fans talking. ESPN had a poll last year and Malone and Stockton
topped the list convincingly with 60% of the votes. Jerry Sloan was the
dirtiest coach, as well. Years ago, SI ran an article on the ten dirtiest
players in the league at that time. Among the "winners" were Rick Mahorn,
and Vernon Maxwell, who once stabbed a teammate at a team dinner, and ...
none other than John Stockton. Stockton is fsmous for setting
illegal picks on big men's kidneys
and how often he elbows other guards. And that is not
including his flops. He is smart, he is great player, but he is one of
the dirtiest players of his time On Malone, well, just remember he once
sent two opposing players to the hospital in one month! The funny
thing is that the gutless bastard never picks on a man his size. I remember
how he backed away from Otis Thorpe and hit Othella Harrington from behind.
- At least when the Pistons had the bad boys, they didn't whine and pout
every time somebody touched them. And I don't remember Bill Laimbeer flying
all over
the place like a rag doll when someone breathed on him funny. It's not just that
the Jazz flop, it's that they cry and whine about it when the other team gets
a legit call, or the refs don't call their flops.
- The refs suck up to them. Whenever I watch a Jazz game and see the
way they're usually refereed, I invariably come away asking myself if it's
possible that that team has bought the refs off. They can't possibly be that
stupid. I just don't understand why the refs buy their flops. I mean,
anyone who has watched two basketball games can
tell the difference between a player knocking another player down, and a
player falling/throwing himself down when he's hovering near another player.
Why can't the refs tell the difference?
- On May 29, 1994, in the fourth game of the Western Conference Finals, the
Rockets were ahead of Utah 80-78 with 13.5 seconds remaining. Utah inbounded
the ball, and for almost ten seconds, the Utah timekeeper failed to start
the clock, giving the Jazz extra time to try to score. Fortunately, the Rockets
played 23 seconds of ferocious defense and the Jazz were unable to capitalize
on their ill-gotten gain. The Rockets survived the scare and won the game
and series. The best quip of the night was from Rockets announcer Bill Worrell,
who said, "If
I ever get the electric chair, I want to fly this guy [the Utah timekeeper]
in to work the switch." After the game, referee Jess Kersey came to
the Houston announcer who had been yelling at him to start the clock and
said, "I
used to respect you guys." Maybe he had money on the game.
- Perhaps the most egregious example of cheating with referee collusion of
all time occurred in the 1997 playoff series between the Jazz and the
Rockets. The Jazz won on a wide open three pointer at the buzzer by John
Stockton. Why was he so open? Karl Malone had set a "pick" on Clyde
Drexler that involved literally picking him up and carrying him ten feet.
I am not making this up! I saw it happen! Of course, there was no call on
the play. The NBA and its officials have always covered up for their precious
Karl,
just
as
the
little
toadies
in
high school sucked up to the head bully. Matt Maloney, after the
NBA office called John Stockton to warn him against throwing more elbows
like the one that had nearly smashed Maloney's
nose earlier in the series, said, "It's incredible. At the end
of the game. they [the officials] are not going to call illegal picks anyway,
so
they
[the Jazz] are going to set the screens as illegally as they want." That's
the NBA for you — they don't want "officials to decide the outcome of
a game," to they don't enforce the rules at all at the end of
a game. Yeah, that won't affect the outcome of
a game!
- The Utah Jazz fans are poor sports and know little about basketball. They
heckle and taunt opposing players — when the Jazz are winning,
that it. They cheer when Stockton or Malone elbow someone or flop. As opposing
players leave the arena, the Utah fans throw things at them, spit at them,
curse at them... and then act holier than thou around other teams' fans.
Maybe they're not as bad as some Euro hooligans who have been known to throw
bottles
and
batteries
on the floor, but someone at the Delta Center did throw a rat onto the floor
during a game one year.
- They play boring basketball. Pick and roll, pick and roll, send some guy
to the hospital, pick and roll, pick and roll, flop, pick and roll, kick somebody
in the balls, pick and roll, moan about the officials ... pick and roll......
Zzzzzzzzzzz...........................
- They keep the name "Jazz" when they don't deserve it. The New
Orleans Hornets should be called the Jazz! After deserting the city of New
Orleans to move to Utah, the "Jazz" should have changed their name
to something more appropriate, like the Mormons or the Dirty Dozen.
Testimonials
"I hate the city of Utah more than any other in the NBA ."
-- Dirk
Nowitzki, star forward of the Dallas Mavericks
"They've been doing that for the last 17 years. Time and time again
they create foul situations, and the refs call it. We (the coaching staff)
used to get furious in my earlier days with Chicago, but we just laugh at it
now."
-- Phil Jackson, coach of the Los Angeles Lakers
"In the nursing home, I hope children run up and kick away their canes,
then cry and point at the 'bad old men' who 'touched
them funny'."
-- pasox2, of the Clutch City BBS, commenting
on the Jazz strategy of falling down
and
letting
the
refs
protect them
"MVPs do not need to flop."
-- Hakeem Olajuron, MVP center for the 1994 NBA
Champion Houston Rockets