The Utah Jazz are “Jazzholes”

 

How to Join

 

It's easy to join. The only requirement is that you must hate the Utah Jazz, or at least Karl Malone. It's all right to like Andrei Kirilenko. He hasn't been corrupted ... yet.

To show your hatred, you can proudly display the button below on your web site. Just download the image (Windows: right click, Mac: control click), put it on your page, link it back to this page, and upload to your site. (It would help if you then submit your site to the various search engines, such as Google and Yahoo.)

Membership dues are $5, but like the referees calling a flagrant foul when Malone cheap shots someone into the hospital, they are completely optional.

If you would like to make a donation, use PayPal. If you're a member of PaypPal, use the icon below. If you'd like to join, click the "Join Paypal" link and your dues will be paid with the referral fee.

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'I Hate the Utah Jazz" logo

I hate the Utah Jazz. Do you? Now you can join with millions like you to proclaim your hatred of the Utah Jazz! Join the "I Hate the Utah Jazz" Un-Fan Club today! Learn new nicknames for the Jazz! Discuss the top ten reasons to hate the Jazz! Read testimonials from other Jazz haters! And more!

'I Hate the Utah Jazz' logo

The Utah Jazz are to basketball what Utah is to jazz. What Utah is to soccer. What Utah is to beer. What Utah is to freedom of religion. What Utah is to just about everything but tabernacles and salty water.

But it's not necessary to hate Utah to hate the Utah Jazz! Just listen to this Utah resident who hates the Jazz:

"My hatred of the Jazz continues with a fervor that is almost religious. I am a Mormon, I have family in Utah, and I still hate the Jazz! Don't lump all Mormons [in] with the brand of dirty ball that Sloan has been espousing for his entire career. There are some there who know them for what they truly are!"

Amen brother! Membership in the "I Hate the Utah Jazz" Un-Fan Club is worldwide. We only descriminate on the basis of stupidity, i.e. liking the Jazzholes or Karla Malone.

Jazz logoNicknames to Use for the Jazz

Utah Jazz: the Jazzholes, the Spazz, the Jizz

Karl Malone: Karla, Going Postal, Failman, The Bastard, Elbows

John Stockton: Choir Boy, John Flopton, Chicken Stock, Cheap Shockton

Jeff Hornacek: Horny Chick

dollop of paint Top Ten Reasons to Hate the Utah Jazz

  1. Karl Malone is a menace. He's been sending people to the hospital since college days (see the Dave Ramer incident), but for some reason the NBA loves him. He kicks opposing players so often that journalists like Peter May now refers to Malone's "kick jumpers." He knocked David Robinson unconscious during a game and wasn't even called for a foul! He broke Donyell Marshall's rib with an "inadvertant" knee, and bloodied Joe Kleine's face so badly he required plastic surgery! Well, Shaq brings the rap fans, Yao Ming brings the Chinese fans, and Karl Malone brings the wrestling fans who want to see blood. [Note: since Karl Malone is now a Laker, you can choose to hate the Lakers instead of the Jazz or in addition to the Jazz.]
  2. They flop like trout out of water. Although never awarded any acting awards, the Jazz, led by Stockton and Malone, are the league's best actors. Their defensive scheme is to fall down and have the refs call charging. They have invented a whole new field of physics in which momentum is not conserved — one need only see the 265 pound Malone fly through the air after incidental contact from a 165 pound point guard to see this new form of physics in action. In its list of the worst floppers in basketball history, Foulshots.com gave special mention to the entire Jazz team: "The entire Jazz team has been flopping for so long that it almost seems like they work on it in practice." Hopefully, Jerry Sloan won't hurt himself falling down when John Stockston walks in to practice in the morning.
  3. Elbows, illegal picks, dirty play -- Jerry Sloan, known for being a fighter in his youth, has taught them to be the dirtiest players ever. That's not just us fans talking. ESPN had a poll last year and Malone and Stockton topped the list convincingly with 60% of the votes. Jerry Sloan was the dirtiest coach, as well. Years ago, SI ran an article on the ten dirtiest players in the league at that time. Among the "winners" were Rick Mahorn, and Vernon Maxwell, who once stabbed a teammate at a team dinner, and ... none other than John Stockton. Stockton is fsmous for setting illegal picks on big men's kidneys and how often he elbows other guards. And that is not including his flops. He is smart, he is great player, but he is one of the dirtiest players of his time On Malone, well, just remember he once sent two opposing players to the hospital in one month! The funny thing is that the gutless bastard never picks on a man his size. I remember how he backed away from Otis Thorpe and hit Othella Harrington from behind.
  4. At least when the Pistons had the bad boys, they didn't whine and pout every time somebody touched them. And I don't remember Bill Laimbeer flying all over the place like a rag doll when someone breathed on him funny. It's not just that the Jazz flop, it's that they cry and whine about it when the other team gets a legit call, or the refs don't call their flops.
  5. The refs suck up to them. Whenever I watch a Jazz game and see the way they're usually refereed, I invariably come away asking myself if it's possible that that team has bought the refs off. They can't possibly be that stupid. I just don't understand why the refs buy their flops. I mean, anyone who has watched two basketball games can tell the difference between a player knocking another player down, and a player falling/throwing himself down when he's hovering near another player. Why can't the refs tell the difference?
  6. On May 29, 1994, in the fourth game of the Western Conference Finals, the Rockets were ahead of Utah 80-78 with 13.5 seconds remaining. Utah inbounded the ball, and for almost ten seconds, the Utah timekeeper failed to start the clock, giving the Jazz extra time to try to score. Fortunately, the Rockets played 23 seconds of ferocious defense and the Jazz were unable to capitalize on their ill-gotten gain. The Rockets survived the scare and won the game and series. The best quip of the night was from Rockets announcer Bill Worrell, who said, "If I ever get the electric chair, I want to fly this guy [the Utah timekeeper] in to work the switch." After the game, referee Jess Kersey came to the Houston announcer who had been yelling at him to start the clock and said, "I used to respect you guys." Maybe he had money on the game.
  7. Perhaps the most egregious example of cheating with referee collusion of all time occurred in the 1997 playoff series between the Jazz and the Rockets. The Jazz won on a wide open three pointer at the buzzer by John Stockton. Why was he so open? Karl Malone had set a "pick" on Clyde Drexler that involved literally picking him up and carrying him ten feet. I am not making this up! I saw it happen! Of course, there was no call on the play. The NBA and its officials have always covered up for their precious Karl, just as the little toadies in high school sucked up to the head bully. Matt Maloney, after the NBA office called John Stockton to warn him against throwing more elbows like the one that had nearly smashed Maloney's nose earlier in the series, said, "It's incredible. At the end of the game. they [the officials] are not going to call illegal picks anyway, so they [the Jazz] are going to set the screens as illegally as they want." That's the NBA for you — they don't want "officials to decide the outcome of a game," to they don't enforce the rules at all at the end of a game. Yeah, that won't affect the outcome of a game!
  8. The Utah Jazz fans are poor sports and know little about basketball. They heckle and taunt opposing players — when the Jazz are winning, that it. They cheer when Stockton or Malone elbow someone or flop. As opposing players leave the arena, the Utah fans throw things at them, spit at them, curse at them... and then act holier than thou around other teams' fans. Maybe they're not as bad as some Euro hooligans who have been known to throw bottles and batteries on the floor, but someone at the Delta Center did throw a rat onto the floor during a game one year.
  9. They play boring basketball. Pick and roll, pick and roll, send some guy to the hospital, pick and roll, pick and roll, flop, pick and roll, kick somebody in the balls, pick and roll, moan about the officials ... pick and roll...... Zzzzzzzzzzz...........................
  10. They keep the name "Jazz" when they don't deserve it. The New Orleans Hornets should be called the Jazz! After deserting the city of New Orleans to move to Utah, the "Jazz" should have changed their name to something more appropriate, like the Mormons or the Dirty Dozen.

Testimonials

"I hate the city of Utah more than any other in the NBA ."
-- Dirk Nowitzki, star forward of the Dallas Mavericks

"They've been doing that for the last 17 years. Time and time again they create foul situations, and the refs call it. We (the coaching staff) used to get furious in my earlier days with Chicago, but we just laugh at it now."
-- Phil Jackson, coach of the Los Angeles Lakers

"In the nursing home, I hope children run up and kick away their canes, then cry and point at the 'bad old men' who 'touched them funny'."
-- pasox2, of the Clutch City BBS, commenting on the Jazz strategy of falling down and letting the refs
protect them

"MVPs do not need to flop."
-- Hakeem Olajuron, MVP center for the 1994 NBA Champion Houston Rockets

J O I N   T O D A Y !