Basketball or Pro Wrestling?

Hulk Hogan keeps Malone from "going postal" on the "Tonight Show." (Click for full sized image)

Some NBA players act more like pro wrestlers than basketball players. You may think the connection between the National Basketball Association and the World Wrestling Federation is a joke. Not so! Just look at this month's featured players, who will be -- get this -- wrestling each other in a pay-per-view event this summer!

They pulled out all the stops -- millions of dollars in advertising, an appearance on "The Tonight Show," etc.

The idea was so absurd that Millar and Hinds ran a parody in their comic strip "Tank McNamara."

At the WCW (apparently this is yet another professional wrestling organization) "Bash on the Beach," professional thug Karl Malone got a taste of his own medicine and was on the receiving end of some rough play from fellow hoodlums Dennis Rodman and Hulk Hogan.

(By the way, there may be cynics who say that the fact that the insurance companies for the Utah Jazz, the Chicago Bulls, and the NBA allowed two of their star players to risk injury in something so dangerous is proof that pro wrestling is fake. But it's not! It's real! Vince McMahon told me so!)

Famous "basketball player" Dennis Rodman demonstrates how he gets such good rebounding position.

So there you have it: two stars of the NBA meet in a sort of parallel universe where some goon with a gut the size of Wyoming is considered a star athlete and a guy whose schtick is pouring beer over his head is considered a hero. Where if someone sprays caustic chemicals in your eyes, they're not arrested, they're given another shot at you inside a steel cage. Where the good guys always win in the end -- if it's on pay per view, anyway.

Some people have even gone so far as to say the NBA is fixed like professional wrestling. But it seems pretty clear professional basketball is a real sport, like football, only without the referee conferences and instant replays. (Malone, by the way, in a moment of momumental stupidity, defended pro wrestling as "real" in an interview with Jim Rome.)

Do superstars get special privileges? Yes. Do some teams get away with breaking the rules? Yes. Is image more important than substance? Yes. Is promotion and advertising more important than the event itself? Yes. Does than make David Stern the equivalent of World Wrestling Federation head Vince McMahon Jr.? That's your call, but one thing is clear: they both have their "draws" -- performers whose antics have made them popular and whom they both protect and promote for the benefit of the league.

An NBA referee -- oops, I mean a WWF referee!! -- scrambles out of the way as Malone sets a pick -- opps, I mean applies a "wrestling" move!! -- against Rodman. (Click for full sized image)

And then there's the "star treatment," where highly marketable players like Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal get more calls from the officials than rookies and foreigners. Why did Karl Malone get away with kneeing Hakeem Olajuwon in the groin? Could it be because Olajuwon, a Nigerian, has an accent, while Malone goes fishing and drives tractor trailers?

Other ways in which the NBA is like the WWF:

High wire antics -- In pro wrestling, they jump off the top rope to deliver a crushing blow to the opponent. In the NBA it's a high wire dunk. Exciting? Yes. Flashy? Yup. Efficient? Uh, no. Liable to earn endorsements? You bet!!
Little brain power -- see above.
Lots of talk -- For every hour of wrestling, there's two hours of interviews and speeches. In the NBA, there's a press conference before and after every game, so we can hear such things as "our guys really gave 110%" and "we got the shots we wanted, we just couldn't hit them." The NBA also loves to talk about how it wants to make the game more exciting and ultra talented players led by highly paid coaches run intricate plays leading to layups and wide open 3s. Instead, most games feature lots of .....
Sweaty musclebound hulks shoving each other around -- Most wrestling matches start with five minutes of testosterone pumped chest thumping by antisocial steroid abusers. In the NBA, look mean at John Stockton and it's a foul. But the officials apply a different standard in the paint, where "skill" generally means that one player is heavier than another and can shove him out of the way. Players like Shaquille O'Neal and Karl Malone make the NBA look like a different kind of wrestling -- sumo wrestling.
Inept officials -- In pro wrestling, the evil bad guy's manager distracts the official, who walks over to jaw at him for five minutes while the evil bad guy brains the good guy with a chair and sets his hair on fire. In pro basketball, Karl Malone can send David Robinson to the hospital with a vicious elbow to the neck, and Robinson is called for the foul! Think this is new? I once saw John Havlicek put his hand up through the rim to deflect a shot and get a block instead of a goaltend.

By the way, who finally won the Malone-Rodman match?

Who gives a rat's ass??

(By the way, if you want to complain to the NBA, please do. They love to hear from the fans -- if you're lucky, they'll send back a canned response!)

And in this corner ...

Two "basketball players" square off the see who is more ridiculous. And the winner is .... ??

Dennis Rodman

Karl Malone

The NBA's version of Madonna -- some talent, but vastly over-rated, and popular far out of proportion to his worth. Also highly paid to be an entertainer.

Like Madonna, has a carefully crafted public image. His whole life, like Madonna's, has been devoted to one goal: getting people to pay attention to him. His book, Bad As I Wanna Be, serves this goal the same way Madonna's metal lingerie does.

The "message" in these material children's "art"?

"Hey! Look at me!"

Like a pro wrestler, Karl "The Mailman" Malone knows it's all about hurting people.

From his facial reconstruction of Dave Ramer when Louisiana Tech played Rice to his stepping out of bounds to elbow Lewis Lloyd to this season's recond-breaking two players sent to the hospital (Donyell Marshall with a broken rib and David Robinson with a concussion, for which he was -- amazingly -- suspended by the NBA), Malone knows how to help his team win by taking out the opposition.

His flagrant disregard for the rules (not to mention common decency) have earned him many "Dirtiest Player" awards. No wonder "The Mailman" is often called "Going Postal."

Tank McNamara

The Worm

He has the social grace of a rabid weasel, he sneers at you, and you love it!

A Taste of His Own Medicine

"I am the toughest mufu there is!! If you don't believe me, just ask that wimp Isiah Thomas! "

Karl Malone, who has hurt so many people with his "accidental" elbows and "unintentional" kicks, receives a taste of his own medicine at the hands of "bad guys" Hulk Hogan and Dennis Rodman.

Which begs the question: "How do you tell the good guys from the bad guys in pro wrestling?"

Don't be silly! The good guys are the ones the kiddies cheer for!

Hulk Hogan applies the choke hold to Karl Malone. Just like in the NBA, choke holds are technically illegal. The ref, hoping for a shot at the NBA, makes a dramatic gesture but does nothing.

Is it the hold or the smell of Rodman's underarm that has Malone so weak? Once again, the official is on the scene, looking for his bifocals. Of course, if this were the NBA, the ref would've called a foul -- on the guy selling popcorn five rows up.....

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